I’m tired today. It hasn’t been a spectacular day… lots of things to whine about. One of my favourite patients probably won’t last the night; one of my docs is pissed because I requested a change of assignment (she’s not very busy and I get bored), there are too many little kids with cancer… this wasn’t a good day to be an oncology nurse. It doesn’t help when I get an idea in my head. You know when that happens? Something occurs to you and you can’t stop thinking about it, and suddenly everything makes sense in relation to that one random thought that happened to take hold. Today the random thought was that I should be more present for my children. Maybe I am not entitled to take this much credit for their future outcomes (maybe nature has more weight than nurture), but I managed to convince myself today that they will turn out to be deadbeat junkie tax evaders if I don’t stop working full time. Luckily, I came to my senses fairly quickly and now I’m still employed, but I’m vaccilating in the quality-time-versus-quantity-time debate. I declined a daycare board meeting tonight because it seems wrong to be out of the house for one of the three waking hours of their day that I am actually available. Of course, serving on the board of directors for the daycare also assuages my guilt at being away from home becuase I can claim it’s all in the name of making sure they are in a nurturing and loving environment when I am not with them. Truth be told, they are probobly nurtured more effectively at daycare than they would be if I was home with them… I have neither the patience nor the creative energy to be a stay-at-home parent. I depserately envy those who do, but I cannot honestly count myself among them. I firmly believe I am doing them a favour by farming them out to professional caregivers during the day. Why did I choose to have children, you ask? Some days, like today, I have no answer. I mean at least we haven’t done the live-in nanny thing (although I have suggested it), or the boarding school thing, we are taking responsibility for our offspring, but really, are we doing them any favours? Would it be better to have a present mother, however bored, short and miserable, or one less present but happy because she felt more fulfilled by a career which challenged her in the way parenting should but doesn’t?
Oh, well. I found a lucky penny today. Maybe something exciting and faith-restoring will happen tomorrow.