Open letter to the felines currently squatting (in many senses of the word) in my home.
Since you have overstayed your welcome, I thought it time to lay out some guidelines for appropriate cat behavior that will make your remaining time with us much more pleasant and leas confined. You would do well to heed the following suggestions.
1. Just because it happens to dangle does not mean you must climb it.
2. Every variation in surface is not an invitation to scratch it into a nest and make yourself at home. Newspapers, dishes, and toilet lids are not cat beds.
3. Further to horizontal surfaces, I am certain you are capable of planting tiny footprints in the dust on every one. It is not necessary to prove it.
4. Now might be a good time to practice the art of silence. Even at 2 pounds each, your pellmell races up and down the halls make our house sound remarkably like Pamplona. Not cool at 7 am on a Sunday.
5. Kraft Dinner, potatoes and pizza are not cat food. Nor is dog food, for that matter. Lucky for you, the dogs are less fussy about where your paws have been prior to trooping across their dishes.
6. Until you have developed a better sense of your size relative to the opening you are about to explore, it might be best to stick with places you are not guaranteed to get trapped in.
7. Open window screens are not, contrary to popular belief, scratching and climbing posts.
8. And finally, your assistance with the laundry is no longer required. We prefer to schedule our scavenger hunts for Easter morning.
If you deign to accept these humble suggestions, we should get along just fine.
What’s that you say? The laundry was the dog’s fault? Oh, well, that explains everything. You are forgiven.
Here, let me prepare you a comfy spot to snooze.